Relationship as Personal Development Program

Let’s face it; relationships aren’t easy. There is not a single human who ever lived whose life has not been touched by relationship strife of some form or another. Indeed the degree to which relationship disharmony impacts society as a whole is vast and visible everywhere – from divorce statistics to unwanted pregnancies to domestic violence. And the truth is, to a greater or lesser extent, it will always be this way. But does that mean we should lapse into hopelessness? Should we just avoid them altogether? Far from it...

Relationship turmoil arises as a result of our being human. But it is this same human quality that enables us to gain immeasurably by being in a relationship – making them potentially life’s ultimate personal development program.

It all boils down to a simple equation; Need Vs Want. The ideal is to have the relationship we want, not the relationship we need. To need to be in any relationship immediately puts demands on it and pressure on the partner to conform to the shape of our needs. To want to be in a relationship, on the other hand, liberates the other person to be who they are. Then, if it doesn’t work out it’s nobody’s fault. Need means you are taking energy from a relationship, want means you are exchanging it both ways – because they could only be in it if they want it too.

So, is it wrong to need a relationship? Well, that’s not true either.

The fact is that as human beings a part of us all feels a need to be in a relationship. This is not abnormal. It is the most human thing in the world. Why? Because it all comes from our parents, and they got it from their parents and they got it from their parents.

The key here is that when a parent rears a child they are, almost universally, also fulfilling a need in themselves. As a result the parent won’t always be fully present for their child all the time and consequently a sense of need for the mother (or father) will develop in the child. This then gets carried into his/her own relationships and is, in this way, passed from generation to generation. So it is human to feel a sense of need towards your partner. Very few of us are immune from this cycle. That’s why it’s important not to beat yourself up about it. It is actually the very awareness of this sense of need that will enable you to rise above it and avoid being controlled completely by it – that then gives you the space to turn your relationship into your very own perpetual personal development program for both of you.

You won’t always succeed – because it is such a deeply rooted part of you - but that should never stop you striving to perfect your personal life by moving away from relationships of needs towards relationships of wants – respectful and mutually empowering wants.