As we approach another Valentines Day, many of us prepare to celebrate and cherish the bond we have with our partner. And why not? It is well known that intimate and committed relationships generally increase life expectancy and also reduce incidence of illness – both mental and physical. On the other hand, people in relationships that lack commitment and intimacy are more vulnerable to a variety of ailments including stress, depression, psychosomatic disorders, and mental illnesses in general. So, it is not relationships per se that are good for us; it is all about how we are within them.
Ironically, the least healthy dynamic in a relationship appears when we start to hold on too tight. When we are too determined to hold on to something or someone, we start to tense up inside like an iceberg. This frame of mind then translates into every day actions and decisions, and we start facing the challenges before us – the kind of challenges that every couple faces – in an inflexible way, trying ever-harder to barge through what we see as resistance before us. All the little details then start to loom large and, before we know it, we’ve lost sight of the big picture and the small stuff has taken over. Each task then requires more and more energy and, ultimately, we end up grinding ourselves to a halt. As a result, the commitment and, eventually the intimacy fades, and the relationships starts to turn unhealthy.
The desire to hold on too tight exists in every one of us, though. It harks back to our first days of life when we were, in fact, truly dependant on our original relationship; the one with our parents. That is where the iceberg of tension – of dependence, need and controle - comes from. The greatest value of a relationship is to help us come to terms with this; to actually feel it – not act on it - but be with it. Every time you dig your heels in over something, or feel a reluctance to discuss or negotiate, it’s there. It sits within you like a child. Knowing it is the ultimate gift of relationship.
Through knowing and relating to your partner more and more deeply, and feeling what this journey brings up for you inside, you will be able to ultimately know and relate to yourself better. And, through loving someone in this way, you will learn to love yourself more too - which ever direction the relationship ultimately takes.
That is the catalyst for all the other benefits derived from relationships; physical, spiritual and mental.
So the secret to success in relationships, is the same as the secret to success in pretty much everything else in life, only it’s not a secret. It was described succinctly as far back as the first millennium BC, written over the entrance to the ancient Greek temple of Delphi; know thyself.
Knowing yourself is the real prize your relationship brings to you, and it is a treasure worthy of celebration indeed.
Happy Valentines Day!
